WARNING: This next entry is satire. Meant to be tongue and cheek. It may offend some people, so if you're the type of person that DIDN'T find the entry on Frisians extremely funny, then please, DO NOT read this.
Don't ask a Libyan. Go to this URL instead: http://www.alternative-dictionaries.net/dictionary/Arabic/Arabic.pdf or for the non .pdf file, www.alternative-dictionaries.net/dictionary/Arabic
You'll either encounter the kind of Libyan that finds it extremely droll to teach young American women (with photographic memories) to insult themselves, telling said American woman to repeat the phrase in front of their (meaning the Libyan's) father, or you'll encounter the type that has too much class to ever swear or use any crude word... except to their sainted Uncle, and then perhaps they'll be cussing with such skill and verbosity that sailors everywhere are just IMPRESSED. Cette bouche de marin est le meilleur du monde!
It took me a few months to figure out just what Muneib Ahmed had taught me (mebbon, zamal, ane gahbe), because no Libyan would tell me, DEMANDING to know where I'd learned it, then saying, "Well, that's not representative of what we think about women or old men," and deftly changing the subject. Egyptians would smile (using an emoticon), ask where you learned such a term, and say with a sarcastic snort, "Well, that's Libya and Libyans for you, full of class." I asked a few Palestinian friends, and they'd usually get a bit fussy, saying, "Whoa. That's not very nice, where did you learn it?" It took a few Jordanian and Lebanese friends to get to the heart of the meaning. Apparently, the word "gahbe" either means "stupid" or "whore", depending on where the spoken guttural emphasis is placed. If it's GAHbe, it's one, if it's gahBE, it's the other. The Lebanese were the classiest about it. They'd say, "Wow, how nice that you think that about yourself. Have you considered talking to a priest or imam about your issues of self loathing?" My Jordanian (Christian) friends would say, "Uh, that's certainly impolite. But it doesn't surprise me, coming from THEM. After all, they didn't give our royals the respect they deserve!" Um, guys, that was the 1980's. Get over it already!
Yes, everyone, there is heavy rivalry within the Arab world. The Jordanians consider themselves the classiest, because after all, their present King was educated in the West (and his favorite show is Star Trek, on which he once appeared), his mother was British, their former queen was American, they start learning English in kindergarten, half of the archeological sites mentioned in the Bible were once or are presently under Jordanian control, and their most popular queen was Palestinian. C'mon... you don't name an airport after someone unless they're popular. And dead.
The Lebanese, well, they try to distance themselves from their Arab roots. They're not Arab, thank you very much, but Phoenician. And if it weren't for the Maronites, well, the whole country would've gone to Hell in a handbasket, and for that matter, Syria is the handbasket, and all Syrians should just be sent back to Damascus ASAP. They're sick of those bastard jerks interfering in the sovereignty of Lebanon. They secretly like Israel, due to the saying, "The enemy of my enemy is my friend", though they'll never admit it, and still bar those with an Israeli visa stamp from entering the country. They do dislike the fact that their armies were "used" by the Israelis, but to this date, are probably the best trained armed forces in the area.
The Palestinians, well, they're passionate and all of them are gorgeous. But don't mention "Israel" to them, because it's probably going to end up with the words, "that bastard, General (Ariel) Sharon, I wouldn't spit on him if he were on fire, it'd be a waste of my phlegm." They're a proud people, highly capable of governing themselves, but not allowed to do so, which REALLY pisses them off. One of my best examples of a (single) father of ANY nationality is my (Palestinian) male friend Jamal; he recently had custody of his sons returned to him AFTER YEARS (we're talking literally five years) of fighting for his boys. His ex wife, the boys' mother, had taken them to Palestine and then Amman, but her new husband, a Jordanian, apparently didn't want another man's children around. To please her husband, Umm Rany abandoned her own children with their grandparents in East Jerusalem. Just dropped them off and didn't look back. I can't understand it. Her sons are just about the same ages as my nephews, so I do feel a bit like an "auntie" to them. I have a hard time seeing why, even due to cultural pressure, that ANY woman could do what she did. Motherhood is a blessed, beautiful, sacred thing, and to give it up when a MAN asks you to, because he doesn't like the presence of another man's offspring around, wellllllllll... I'd tell him where he could go (Hell) and what he could do to himself once there (it's a four letter word that starts with 'f' and ends with a 'k' and has "uc" in the middle), but that's just me. I often act with a little more chutzpah than is probably healthy (chalk that up to my half-Jewish grandmother). If it EVER is a choice between my husband and my children (and I can't see why it would be, my husband is as close to perfect as any man gets), my children will win every time (sorry, Alex!). I talk to my friend from time to time, and I see his strength of character, and how lucky/blessed his sons are to have a man like him as their Dad. I've been on "Mommy/Nanny standby" for awhile now; Jamal knows I'm only a phone call away from Chicago and would drop everything and fly out to O'Hare to help him out if he ever asks, which he probably won't... but I'm still there for him if he needs me. If any of my blog readers live anywhere near Chicago, IL, and are willing to provide meals or anything for this family of three men and future men, please, contact me.
In short, if you wanna learn to swear in Arabic, ask Google. The Alternative Dictionary (links in the first paragraph) is a rich source of everything nasty I don't need to know but know now. My pronunciation is probably Syrian or Lebanese, because those are the main two dialects I've heard. Yes, I can insult all of your ancestors. I can say some untrue, libelous things about your mother, and can play a version of "Yo Momma" too. But will I? Nope, because THAT's being an "ugly American."
If anyone's ever wondered, there's also a search engine called "Dogpile." In its early days, the main graphic was, well, a "dog pile", complete with stink lines. http://www.dogpile.com/ . It's now considerably classier! I miss the good old days (ahhhhh, late 1999).
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